Monday, December 15, 2008

Going insane

How can anyone get through this waiting without turning into a crazy woman?? Not to mention the progesterone that I'm pumping into my body. Seriously this could be torture but at the same time I feel guilty for not enjoying it - this is the first time EVER that I could actually be pregnant and I'm totally giving up. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst instead of enjoying the present. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow for today has enough troubles of its own but I'm already planning our next steps. Its really just sick and I'm ashamed but I can't stop myself. A friend at church told me that I am just inviting satan to a party in my head. I've asked him to leave but he keeps coming back. I cried all through a baby dedication in church on Sunday - embarrassingly crying. I want to find symptoms even though I know anything I feel is all progesterone related and its driving me crazy. I cramped off and on pretty bad on Friday and then just slightly on Saturday and Sunday morning and then it stopped. Is that good or bad?? No one knows but God . . . why can't I just quit obsessing and leave the outcome up to Him. I know He already knows and whatever His answer is is right. I want what He wants but at the same time I want Him to want me to be pregnant. He hasn't given any one of us any promises of a child. He promised Abraham a child not me so I can't even go on that. I will only get pregnant if its in His plan. How can my brain know all of this and my heart just can't seem to listen. I'm still obsessively "spot checking" every time I go to the bathroom and I'm so bloated and my coworker even told me my boobs look bigger - again - all progesterone? Maybe? Who knows . . . GOD DOES! I NEED TO GIVE IT UP TO HIM! Ya'll help me pray to give this over to the Creator of Life. I'm so exhausted. Beta is on Wednesday. I can make it and life will go on if its negative.

1 John 3:19-21 (New International Version)
19This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence 20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

3 comments:

Lauren said...

I'm praying for peace for you. And waiting anxiously for that beta on Wednesday!

twondra said...

As much as we know we need to give it to God, it's so hard, isn't it? I'm thinking and praying for you!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm obsessively spot checking too. My beta for FET#1 is 12/21 - we didn't transfer for IVF#1, just a freeze all. I can totally sympathize with you for the anxiety, worry, wondering, knowing God's in control, wanting to let go, waiting...

Lifting up a prayer for you.
~~HUGS~~