Friday, November 28, 2008

Realizaton

I think I just realized from reading a post on Just Another Infertility Blog that I don't let my husband mix the drugs b/c I am a total control freak! He can give the injection but I have to be the mixer - although I do make him double check that I got all the medicine out of the vials. I am such a control freak! Like I didn't already know that though. I think I'll let him mix it tonight just to see if I can do it!

Oh and anyone using the cetrotide kits . . . careful when mixing those - I totally messed up one whole kit - I didn't screw in the mixing needle right and the liquid went all over the counter instead of into the powder - no biggie - I freaked out a little and then ended up sticking the huge mixing needle into my thumb! It was not a good night - I"m pretty sure I was freaking out about this mornings appointment.

Anyway - hold me accountable - I'm going to not be a control freak tonight and let hubby do the whole thing - that is of course if he even wants to -- hehehe!!

Stim Day 5 appointment

Actually happened on Stim Day 6 b/c they were closed yesterday for Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for the staff at my doctor's office - everyone I came in contact with today was so sweet and no one seemed unhappy to be at work instead of out shopping!

Now to the good stuff - I had 10 follies on my left and 6 on my right and my E2 level was . . . 563! Yes over 500 - it was barely over that at my retrieval day last time! I am so blessed and thankful to hear Gods voice in that - this is by no means a sure thing but I feel so much better about how much we have put into this. I know it could all go down hill but I'm continuing to trust in God and let him be in control but at the same time I am thankful for this little glimmer of hope that he is tangibly showing me.

I prayed the whole way to B'ham and told God all of the little things I was thankful for and like I told Robin - I actually said that I was thankful for socks b/c not everyone has socks to keep their feet warm. I wanted to be thankful for so many of the things I take for granted every second of every day. It is true that it is easier to be thankful when God brings the rain. I am trying to be so much more aware of how lucky I am instead of dwelling on what I don't have. Robin is also such a shining example of this as well. I'm sure we all have our moments but I applaud her for the example that she is!

Hope those that are shopping are getting some great deals! As for me and my swollen ovaries we are going to the vet with my doggie and then cooking up some yummy organic food for the big game tomorrow. WAR EAGLE ALL!!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Shot number 2

Went well.

My husband bought us a devotional book for couples about praying for our marriage and the first one I flipped to was about Miracles and allowing God the room to perform miracles in your marriage and in your life. I was convicted b/c as you know I truly believe God can perform a miracle through this IVF cycle I just doubt that He will do it for me. I read that devotion and it really made me realize that if I don't believe He will do it why would He! I'm going to believe that even unworthy little me is worthy of His miracles. We are all sinners and he performs them for us everyday. I hope you will all believe that He will perform a miracle for you too.

Galatians 3:4-6 (New International Version)

4Have you suffered so much for nothing—if it really was for nothing? 5Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard? 6Consider Abraham: "He believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness."[a]

Monday, November 24, 2008

And so it begins . .

First shot was last night. Its so much better this time around. There isn't any fear of the unknown when it comes to shots and mixing the Follistim and Menopur and you know it stings like crazy so you deal. So much better.

I have the best husband too. He is a big hunter and the opening day of gun season was Saturday so he went in the morning and the evening. Sunday we went to church and I just couldn't shake a feeling of being overwhelmed - I really just cried off and on all afternoon and when it was time for him to leave he didn't - he stayed home with me and convinced me to do something to get my mind off of it. We took our dog for a walk in the woods at a state park and it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. He's off all week too to hunt and he's not going today - b/c its going to rain - and I just talked to him and he was vacuuming. Such a good husband. He bought us a book this morning at Lifeway - Praying for Our Marriage. Man I'm lucky! Hopefully God won't say that I have a good husband so I don't get to have a baby! He really doesn't work that way!! He wants to pour out His blessings but sometimes that thought does cross my mind - I'm so lucky in so many ways am I asking too much when I ask for a baby too? He has a plan and I'm letting that plan happen.

I'm emotional but I'm not manic I guess. Like for example on Friday I had my suppression check and Sarah said everything was great (I still had 9 follicles even after being on bc for 3 weeks) on the ultrasound and the ultrasound trumps any blood results but I still expected to get some results but . . .I never got a message. So I was angry at the incompetence but really unconcerned about what it meant.

I'm trying to remember that nothing really matters except God's plan. He will work everything else out to agree with His plan. I pray that His plan and my hearts desire are the same. Either mine will be fulfilled or it will be changed to agree to His plan. Its so scary letting go. Even though I know His will is what is best for me.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Counseling

I really enjoy our counselling sessions. There is never anything profound said but always just as sense of understanding and many tips offered. She talked to us about our Love Languages and how we can fill each other's emotional bank account during this cycle. Mine is gifts and his is acts of service. Its something nice to focus on instead of whether or not the cycle is working. I'm hoping that we can remain calm and focused but not too focused.

I have my suppression check tomorrow morning at 7:30 - although with the antagonist protocol I"m not sure if you are actually suppressed or not. I'm not concerning myself with those things b/c they don't matter. Only God's opinion matters.

I really don't have much to say so . . hope everyone has a nice evening!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Staying positive

Today I get to take the nuvaring out and will have 4 drug free days before the Follistim and Menopur start. I really can't believe its almost here and I'm subconsciously trying to block the fact that it is. My husbands 36 hour rule must really be growing on me b/c I'm not freaking out. I guess I really have given it up to God b/c I feel peace about this either way. I mean I'm not saying I won't cry my eyes out if this ends up the same way and we have to look at other ways to build a family but I'm trying to stay confident in the fact that God knows what He is doing contrary to what I may believe sometimes :)

I talked with Dr. H yesterday about why she changed me from a microdose Lupron to an Antagonist protocol and she said that it was because this would closer mimic a natural cycle so that they could see if the Lupron did have any effect (I need an english major to tell me if I'm supposed to use affect or effect!)

The one thing that stays consistent in all of this is how much I love and respect my doctor. I know I sound like a broken record about that but she is just so compassionate and real and just pessimistic enough that I can relate!! I don't want a doctor just telling me what I want to her - a little realism never hurt anyone. She said we are going to be positive b/c we don't know what caused the egg problem and things could be different this time. We shall see. We have done our best and the rest is not up to us.

My prayer is that I can stay calm for 3 more weeks. 3 weeks from today we will know if we made it to transfer or not and that is all that I can concentrate on. One step at a time. I will feel like I have made it so far if I can just make it to transfer. Then I will concern myself with whether I will actually get pregnant. I will be thrilled if those little embryos can grow to blastocyst.

Oh God please let them grow.

Ezekiel 16:7
I made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Bored and alone at work

Don't want to actually do work . . . so . . . . totally random post with no actual useful information or encouragement in it!!

I'm going to get my hair cut on my lunch hour if our secretary will get back from lunch! Its a low attendance day at work today - but considering there is only 5 of us - everyday is a low attendance day.

I have work to do and I don't want to do it. I"m being a large slacker today.

Have I told you that my perfectly healthy lab has ringworm. HOW!!! Vet doesn't know but I want it gone. YUCK!! They had to shave her underarm b/c that is where the spot was so she looks funny. We have to wipe it down 3 times a day. She did get to go back to day care today - our vet said it was highly unlikely that she would rub her underarm on another dog and give it to them. Plus most dogs don't get ringworm - unless they are sick or are a puppy. My dog - like her human parents - is the exception to most rules.

Also - I had to have a uterine culture for starting IVF and it came back with bacteria and I'm on antibiotics and doxycycline always causes me to get a yeast infection - not to mention that I'm using the nuvaring for BC for IVF so guess what - yeast infection. I'm terrified that taking the diflucan will somehow hurt my egg quality - I took them last cycle and look how well that turned out - oh and one won't cure my yeast - I have to take 2 and use cream. Lovely. Hubby is also totally turned off by that annoyance! Who can blame him!!

Well that was probably more than you wanted to know but I'm bored and an over sharer so . . . there you go.

I've got acupuncture on Friday and its supposed to rain - I hate driving to B'ham in the rain. Well - I usually don't drive but it still stresses me out riding.

I get to talk to Dr. H on Monday about the whole change in protocol thing and I may have to ask about the Diflucan - especially if its not better by then. Surely if there was a study about it I could have found it on the Internet and I haven't. You can find anything on the Internet. Unfortunately.

Secretary just got back so I will not be late for said haircut. Yeah.

Sorry so random and boring.

I feel like I should end with a Bible verse so that my readers will at least get something worthwhile out of this pathetic post . . . . lets dig hear and find a good one . . .

Hebrews 11: 1-3
1Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. 2 Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation.
3 By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God’s command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.

May we all have faith in Who we cannot see and that He will bring us what we hope for.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You can't fight God - you won't win

"And then after I had my pity party I had to give up and let go once again. I can’t fight God. I wont win. So I have to just let it go. It’s not easy though and it’s certainly not fun…"

This quote seems to sum up some of my struggles. I feel like I'm doing better in this regard but I've never quite seen it put this way before - I can't fight God. I won't win. How true is that and sometimes you just seem to forget that perfect piece of knowledge so . . . thank you kcmarie at Becoming Another Person - which is also how I feel - this journey has made me a different and better person.

Just thought I would share this perspective in case anyone reading needs to hear this today.

Monday, November 10, 2008

My Fall reading list and mini IVF #2 update

Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake

Wonderful Christian book describing Hannah's journey through infertility laced with real life current quotes of others who have gone through this. Very good book without a sugary tone -promising you a baby if you do everything right. This only promises you that God will be there for you no matter what.


Calm my Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow
This book teaches you how to lay your cares at Jesus' feet. By taking them from Him you are not only sinning but not allowing God to give you His answer to your problem. You must trust Him fully and consistently to truly get His answer. If you start taking it back from Him you are interfering in the communication. To hear His true voice you must allow yourself to give up any of your worries to Him. Excellent book having nothing to do with infertility but having everything to do with how a Christian dealing with infertility should act.




Breaking Free by Beth Moore

This is a wonderful group study that our ladies Bible Study is doing right now. You are to break free from the strongholds that are preventing you from living the Spirit filled life God has planned for you. I know one of my strongholds is infertility. It consumes my day and my mind. I need to lay those thoughts at God's feet every time they consume my mind and praise Him at the same time. Through this I have been able to see that God used IVF #1 to bring me to my knees and teach me how to give it up to Him.



Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby


This book taught me that God wants to strengthen that love relationship you have with Him before he can reveal to you His Will for your life. There is nothing more important to Him than your relationship with Him. He initiates this relationship and I believe the circumstances of IVF #1 were Him initiating this renewal of our relationship with Him. It is one thing to be a Christian and to believe God exists but it is a whole new life to experience a relationship with Him. Even Satan believed He existed - He wants more from you than just your belief in Him. He wants you to talk to Him and tell Him how you feel and what you want and most importantly He wants you to surrender your lives willingly to His will. He knows what is best whether or not you agree with it.
Ladies - please pray that I will continue to feel all of this head knowledge in my heart. I want God's will for my life even if that means that IVF#2 is equally as unsuccessful as IVF #1. Its had to relinquish that control but I know it is for my own good and I pray that even if I have to remind myself every hour that God is in control not me and that is a good thing!
Dr. H is going to call me on the 17th to explain the change in protocol - as much as that would normally bother me its not. I'm letting God handle this and He knows what is best. I still want to hear from her what her reasoning was but its not consuming me. While this journey is all consuming I'm trying to praise God at each moment that the thoughts become too much for me. And I'm trying to not spend all my conversations solely on this subject. I'm sure my friends enjoy that.
Have a good week.


















Friday, November 7, 2008

Update on IVF #2

I am really feeling more excited about this IVF than I did the last one. I know that is because my heart is in a better place this time. My eyes are focused on God and I know His answer is best. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments but I think I'm handling my moments a little better and they aren't lasting quite as long. Another friend got pregnant and I found out on Wed. I had myself a good self pity cry on Wed and was down and out about it for a few hours but I . . . or shall I say Jesus . . . picked me up and we moved on down the road! I also had a brief issue with a sudden change in protocol. Mostly b/c I like plans and I get set on a certain plan and when it changes it freaks me out. Anyway - we are going with an antagonist protocol - no lupron, same dose of follistim and menopur as last time and adding cetrotide to prevent ovulation after 5 days of stim shots. Sounds good to me. I had a gut feeling that the lupron was messing me up anyway so maybe my gut was right. Janet the IVF coordinator told me that Dr. H brought it up before the other doctors and they discussed and decided on this - since they were all shocked that this happened in the first place I really feel like they want to do what they can to get me pregnant. Keep praying.