Wednesday, October 29, 2008

FSH Level

Yeah - my will power didn't last long . . .I had to drop a consent form off at the office and I asked her to look it up and it was a 13.8. Whatever. All that means to me is that God's still not sending me a neon sign telling me that anything we did worked. But . . . it doesn't matter what we did because God is doing this and if he wants it to be different my FSH level can be 34 and it doesn't matter to Him. So I'm just going with that attitude and letting God have the control. I think that might take even more will power than not knowing. What do you think??

Link to Tammy's Journey - Wonderful post

http://twondra.blogspot.com/2008/10/letter-to-babies.html

Check out this post from someone who has been through a similar situation as us. She did not make it to transfer either. Her words are so eloquent and loving in this letter to her babies. I too believe that those were babies. Life begins at fertilization. I even have a facebook flair that says that! :)

Results

Yeah . . . so . . . I have none. My patient voicemail said that my ultrasound and blood work look great. And that was it . . . no actual numbers. I did good - I haven't called yet. I'm thinking this is a test and God is trying to prove to me that I am not in control and it does no good for me to know any of that so . . . I'm not asking for it yet . . . so far so good.

In other news, my doggie has some sort of skin problem. Of course my first reaction is that its cancer but the vet is pretty sure its some sort of fungus. I tend to have a problem with overreacting. Yesterday it was just one spot and he gave us some $18 shampoo to use three times a week but then last night we found another spot so that means it has spread and he said if it spread it might be ringworm and he would have to do a culture so I took her in this morning and let them do that but it wont' be back for 14 days. That means no doggie day care so she's just by herself in a run this morning until I can go get her. So sad. :(

Off to work!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

CD 3

Today is CD 3 - went in for blood work and ultrasound. My antral follicle count was only 12 - which is 2 less than last time. It was not the neon sign I wanted from God to say that this cycle will be different. I'm just praying that He will increase the quality of the eggs that I do have. I have to relinquish control every minute of every day - I can't take it back for appointments or blood work results - every minute of every day. I'll update my blood work results when I get them. Like Robin said - lucky 7, come on lucky 7!!

Tonight is Ladies Bible Study and we are starting the Beth Moore study Breaking Free and I am pumped! Can't wait! I need to break free from my anxiety and control issues.

I'm off to Target to drop off my prescription for my Nuva Ring - not too excited to figure that thing out but . . . you do what you have to do!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Doctor Update

I have the best fertility doctor in the world. She is a wonderful Christian woman concerned not only about my physical health but my spiritual health. Assuming I am emotionally ready we will begin the IVF process with my next cycle. It will be only 2 weeks of birth control then microdose lupron and then I'm not sure but I think follistim and Menopur again - but twice a day this time. Pray that I can give this over to God and know that His answer is always the right answer! That is my doctors suggestion. I told her I was terrified of this cycle turning out the same way. So . . .here we go again!!

Watch this . . .

It says exactly everything I feel about infertility. Its worth watching and sending to your non infertile friends and family - its a little glimpse into an infertile couples life.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Monday, October 20, 2008

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead

Philippians 3:13-14 "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."



Last night I was reading through Jeremiah and not really being lifted by anything in particular - a lot of Jeremiah is pretty depressing and talking about God's punishment on His people - so I picked up the devotion booklet that they handed out at the infertility support group meeting yesterday afternoon and began to read. One verse struck me so I looked it up and low and behold it was highlighted in bright yellow in my Bible - and only those words "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead". Now I know that the whole point of the verse is that we get to spend eternity with Christ Jesus and that is a great prize, but let me explain my state of mind this weekend and let you see how much I needed to hear just those highlighted words!



I had this realization that the next IVF cycle may end with the same results as the first one. I know I knew this in the back of my mind but its like this weekend it hit me that we may really have to make other decisions to build a family so I've been really depressed. Then I got in a fight with my mom about it all - moms that haven't been through this just really don't understand and my mom in particular can't see why having to think about not having our biological child upsets me. Sunday afternoon was our infertility support group meeting and we met at the church. There was a black cloud over the whole group - lots of negative tests and unsure feelings. We were prayed over by a group of women - and anointed with oil - based on James 5:14 - and one of the things that they prayed for me was that I would understand scripture like I had never understood it before and I would hear God's voice in it. So I'm hoping God is telling me to forget the last cycle and move on to the next one. Even if that is not what He is saying I need to do that.



Another interesting thing that happened was a friend of mine met the inventor of the needle they use for IVF - I assume it was the needle used to aspirate the follicles - she didn't really ask any questions but knew I would be interested in their meeting. One friend told me that this must have been a "Godincidence" (instead of a coincidence) b/c really how many people just randomly meet the person responsible for the greatest invention in infertility! I'm thinking she is right and that is just another one of God's little messages to keep my chin up and look toward Him.



The next big worry for me is when to start IVF again. I had my retrieval on August 15th and started my period on August 27th. I never ovulated that month so I had to take prometrium to start my period and I did on September 30. This month I tracked my cycle and went in last week when I had a surge and there were 25 follicles on day 14 - none were over 1 cm. So I didn't think I was going to ovulate - my estrogen was 52.4 and my progesterone was 1.4. They wanted me to come back on Friday to see what it was looking like. My estrogen was 83 and progesterone was 17.7. This looked like I ovulated but what did I ovulate?? It wasn't a mature egg b/c there wasn't one!! I have an appointment tomorrow to talk to Dr. H about what she thinks. Should I wait for my body to recover fully back to its normal ovulating state or should I just go with it the next cycle. She wanted me doing acupuncture and herbs for 3 months before we started IVF again. That would just get us in right at 3 months if I started the stim shots around Thanksgiving. I pray that God speaks through her and lays out a timeline that is in His perfect timing and not about my trying to get another cycle in by the end of the year.



I was looking back at my calendar and my estrogen on stim day 5 was the same as it was on day 18 this month. Now there has to be something wrong with that doesn't there?? And what about those 25 follicles on day 14 - to me that is potential eggs and I've never had that many before. Does that mean the herbs and acupuncture are working? I know on the same stim day 5 I had 10 follicles. My antral count has been 14 and 16. So 25 is a big jump. I'm praying that Dr. H will give me a good feeling about that and not be her normal debby downer self. I love her but she isn't very optimistic. Usually that is ok with me but I need her to be optimistic tomorrow.



I know this is long and I commend anyone for still reading this. It is such good therapy to write all of this out.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Another support group meeting

This past Sunday was my church's infertility support group - it is just starting and really there are 2 leaders and 2 participants - me being one of those and my friend who just found out she was pregnant through IVF is the other. Both of the leaders were pregnant but one just had a miscarriage last week (I mentioned her in the last post). Anyway - I was not thrilled about going to the meeting b/c I knew it would be alot of pregnancy talk but I went - mostly b/c I would feel guilty if I didn't. The lady that spoke is a member of our church and she went through a very similar struggle as me - hers was longer before she made it to ivf - 12 IUI's - can you imagine! She goes to a different doctor in the group that I go to and she had the same dismal failure of a first IVF although they did transfer her embryos early - even though they were not growing right. It was not successful then miraculously on the next identical cycle she got pregnant and wanted to try for another one but the next two were worse than her first and so she got to the last cycle that she was going to try and did acupuncture at the same place I'm going to and they tried the same protocol that I'm going to try and it worked - much better results. God knew I needed to hear that and he orchestrated that for us. We were both in tears talking about and realizing how God was working at that meeting. She always wondered why someone would want to hear her story and why they would ask her to speak. It was another God planned encounter in my life! I thank Him for that!

Must get back to taxes. Will post more later!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Busy blogger

It's no excuse for my lack of blogging but I've been busy at work. Nothing much is really going on in my life. This will be a pretty random post.

Lets see . . . Last Thursday was my infertility support group and its always awesome. 5 of us went to dinner first and you can't ever say that common circumstances do not bond women. I love all of these women and don't really know any of them that well. This support group is such an answered prayer and a Gift from God. My friend that was to find out if IVF worked for her the next day was prayed over and annointed with oil and it was so beautiful. We are doing that for everyone at the next meeting. I can't wait. I wish Lauren and Robin could experience this group of women and the presence of God at each meeting! Robin its a bit far but Lauren if you ever want to drive down -- feel free - the next meeting is October 19th - a Sunday afternoon at the church!

We went to the Auburn game last weekend - it was fun but I was having major mood swings from coming off of the Prometrium so I made it miserable. My poor husband was ready to push me out of the car on the interstate. I don't know if it was just me or if the withdrawals your body goes through cause severe PMS!

Sunday, a couple that is also going through fertility issues visited our church with us for the second time. I'm so happy that we can offer some support to someone going through this journey. We had a great lunch and laughed so hard my face hurt. We love them! The husband was actually in our wedding and my husband in his first wedding - the new wife is normal and not a psycho like the first one. This one will last.

Monday I got some bad news about a friend - she was the one who did IVF the same time I did and she got pregnant but miscarried. She went to a regular appointment on Monday and the heart beat had stopped - I can't imagine her pain. I've emailed, called and sent a card and today I"m taking a ceramic cross with Jeremiah 29:11 on it and some goodies from a bakery. I feel like nothing is good enough nor will make it better but I want her to know I'm here.

Tuesday I finally started my period so I went back to acupuncture to get some herbs and let me tell you how God works in my life! I was so excited to start back on those herbs - that has to be God b/c they still taste like vomit! I just felt so strongly about it I have to take that as a sign from God that we are on the path He wants us on - even if that reason is confirmation that we have done all we can do to try for a biological child. My mom and dad and dog went for this trek to B'ham b/c my husband was playing in a golf tournament. That was an interesting trip but it was nice quality time with the parents that I don't get often enough!

Nothing much happened the rest of the week. I'll be working this weekend to meet the October 15th tax deadline but I don't mind - - I have taken every Tuesday afternoon off for the last month!

Oh I was telling Robin about this . . . I've been reading Experiencing God and it is an awesome book. I"m not finished yet but it talks about getting your love relationship right with God before he can truly show you His will for your life and how He wants to work in you. I would recommend it to anyone!

Hope ya'll have a good weekend and War Eagle!