Monday, September 22, 2008

Nothing new here

Still just taking it one day at a time.

I had a great weekend despite a few problems! My grandmother fell on Friday and busted her head. She is fine and my aunt is doing most of the care giving but I still went over for a few hours Friday night and a little while on Saturday.

Saturday we had fun tailgating and going to the Auburn game and Sunday we were exhausted. We went to church and did nursery on Sunday. I don't think its a coincidence that our preacher has been doing a series of sermons on "God's Prescription for your Life" The last month or so its been the first Chapter of Luke which has my favorite verse in it 1:37 Nothing is impossible with God. And it is specifically spoken about infertility. How can that not comfort you . . . OK well . . . I know I have my moments . . . I am only human! I have tried to have a much better attitude and am trying to let God be in control.

This week is the infertility support group that I went to last month and I am pumped. I've got 3 other good friends that are going and we are going to have dinner first and I am just looking forward to some fellowship with girls who know exactly how I feel.

I have my bunko group tonight - the theme is western - I'm going to be sporting my denim skirt and cowboy boots from 7th grade and a cowboy hat and a bandanna - I'm either going to be cute or terribly stupid looking - either way - its bunko and it doesn't matter!

I'm thinking about you Lauren and hoping everything went well. I haven't checked your blog yet today so I'll have to do that next. I really need to figure out how to use this Google reader everyone is talking about.

Have a great rest of the day.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My Google MD failed me . . .

But that is a good thing. I took the info the nurse gave me and searched the Internet for its diagnosis - which as I said before was not good. Well we met with Dr. H yesterday and its fine. She wants him to go to a urologist of her choice for an ultrasound just to definitively rule out a varicocele. She said that the SCSA is a good test for a direction but it is not the end all be all test of fertility. His score was 31.4 - everything I read online said that men with a score over 30 never have a baby. She says this is not true. She worries when the score is approaching 60. The scores are 1 - 15 is excellent, 15-30 is good and over 30 is fair to poor. We are borderline. She is still convinced it is an egg factor issue and we are doing everything we can to help that.

The main thing I learned from this is that I let the devil get in my head and rule me for a few days. I was depressed and sure it was the end of the road for our dreams of a biological child. I was not a nice person. That was all from the devil and I realize that now but I couldn't decipher that in the middle of my funk. God is good and He is in control and I let that important piece of information leave my mind. We were still praying and I was reading the Bible searching for answers but I still had that black cloud over me doubting that God could do this when I know "nothing is impossible with God"(Luke 1:37) My favorite verse in the whole Bible - spoken directly about infertility. How did I forget that. The devil is powerful and I need to make sure that I don't let him in my head anymore.

Another thing that I was AGAIN assured of is my trust and love of my doctor. From reading different blogs I can say that I am truly lucky in that Dr. H is smart, compassionate, funny and loving. She was upset for me that I let one tidbit of information over take me and told me AGAIN that when I get upset tell a nurse to get her and she will call me back and calm me down. I am so lucky and I praise God for Dr. H. Even if she doesn't get me pregnant with a biological child I know that she did her best and she showed me God's love while she was doing it.

My goal for the next few months -until our next IVF starts - is to Fully Rely On God. I see frogs everywhere and every time I do I remember that statement. I just need to let it rule my life. He is in control and He knows best even when His plan doesn't agree with mine.

Lastly I will say that I have the best husband in the whole wide world for putting up with me! He continues to amaze me with the strength of his faith. And while this has been the toughest thing we have ever gone through, infertility has brought us closer to each other and closer to God. Even if I have lapses in sanity now and then. I am only human and God is pleased when I see my mistakes and repent.

Robin - great new office view! I look out and see an empty lot and trees and the backs of houses. And the occasional cat! I guess that is the difference in our two cities! Plus I don't work downtown.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

And storm it does . . .

We got a call from the doctor's office today - that can never ever be a good thing with us!

Apparently my husband failed the SCSA test - sperm chromosome structure assay. If you score over a 30%, prognosis for pregnancy is not good - I repeat . . . not good. He scored a 31.4%. We have a video conference with Dr. H on Tuesday.

We are going back and forth to who has the worst reproductive system between the two of us. If this isn't going to work out I really hope we determine that soon. I still have a little hope because if God wanted us to adopt wouldn't he put that desire in my heart. I still want to pursue donor options if we have to - all the way to donor embryo if we determine that both of us just aren't reproductively capable.

I just have to bathe in the knowledge that God is in control and this is His Plan A as to where its about my Plan Z. Its almost like we have gotten so much bad fertility news that this just doesn't phase us. I'm sure if we go in there on Tuesday and she tells us that its donor sperm or nothing then it will hit me. Although that is the worst case scenario that I can think of and normally worse case scenario's are what I get when I talk to her. I don't think that is her by any means, I just think that is our life.

I still hold firm to the fact that we are where we are supposed to be - God has continually proven that to me. I guess I never posted about that did I . . .

It was the week after the embryos died and I had gone to a Infertility Support Group put on by another church in our community. It was powerful and spiritual and wonderful and God was there. I learned how to pray more effectively. I was praying before and never waiting for a response from God so now I pray that God will sensitize my ears and eyes to His voice. So the next day my husband and I were going to meet with our preacher and as I'm getting on the interstate I'm praying that prayer - God sensitize me to your voice. I look up and see one of the electronic billboards with a beautiful new baby on it (one of the hospitals here puts a picture of every new baby born up on the billboard). The next billboard that came up was my doctor's last name. Now it wasn't really her it was actually an insurance salesman with her name but I just started laughing. The preachers wife from the night before had said that God even uses billboards. So I asked God out loud if that was Him and I just couldn't stop laughing. He is in control and He is good. That has to be my mantra to keep me going. If the desire is there he will fulfill it - that was said both at the support group and by our preacher.

Praise you in this Storm

Thanks for the title Robin! I was walking my perfect dog yesterday after work and just looking at the sky and clouds in amazement that God can create something so beautiful. Its moments like those that just make you so sure that God is in control and His plan is perfect. I started praying - or more like talking to God - I was letting him know that I was dedicating whatever child I receive to Him and just thinking of that child's future in our wonderful church. A vision popped in my head as I was praying this of our future baby dedication - I saw me and my husband - him in a dark suit and a red tie and me in a black suit holding a perfect baby in a long white christening gown and wearing a bonnet and us just crying with joy and our preacher hugging us - knowing how hard we struggled for that baby. I just hope this was a vision from God to keep me moving toward our goal. Either way it made me cry as I was walking and is making me cry at this moment. I'm Baptist and we have baby dedication instead of a christening for anyone that is confused. The parents stand up front with the preacher and pledge to raise the child according to God's will and the congregation pledges to help. Its always a wonderfully tearful thing to watch - not many parents cry but then not many parents have to go through this to get a child. I can't wait until we do a baby dedication. Oh and the clothing made me think that this might be a winter baby dedication which would fall in line with the next IVF being in November/December - baby dedication is usually done when the baby is about 3 months old. Just my hopeful observation.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Non toxic and organic

Since I am currently trying to be non toxic and eat organic I found a cool website - its Cosmetics Database. You can find out how damaging to your body the things you use everyday are.

Other than that nothing much going on - still drinking the tea and still doing acupuncture. I'm beginning to like it more so that is a good thing.

I have to do work but I just wanted to post that website.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Vomit

The tea that this acupuncturist is getting me to drink tastes. like. VOMIT! Do I want a baby bad enough to drink vomit twice a day? Not to mention the horrendous smell that it emits when it is cooking in its stupid little Chinese herb pot that we had to buy and that she said she didn't make a penny off of. We have been going to this woman for 2 weeks and have spent $500 and all it got us is a stupid little electric herb pot with the chinese baby on the front to steam our vomit herbs for me to drink and gag and still feel nauseous. Is this what God intended - drinking vomit to make a baby? I cried until midnight last night. Why is this so hard?

My friend C that did IVF the same time I did is pregnant. She already has an IVF son. I'm so happy for her but so sad for me. I didn't even get a chance to be pregnant.

I feel like we are wasting money but all the signs I've asked for point to drinking the vomit tea so I guess I'm going to just drink the vomit tea and be nauseous for the next 3 months - I guess its just a head start for morning sickness. By the time I get that I'll be a pro at nausea. I'll just be used to it.

Vomit tasting tea - Seriously?