Thursday, August 28, 2008

War Eagle


She said . .

If I were her daughter she would make me do it. I don't see that I have any other choice in the matter.

Does this warrant getting a second opinion?

Her reasoning is that if we don't do it then we will always wonder if we had done everything we could do to have our biological child.

Does anyone else think their life resembles a movie and you wish you could fast forward to the end and see how it turned out so you could make the decisions with that knowledge.

I wish God was speaking to me a little clearer. I keep asking for God to speak through Dr. H - how do I know if He really is? Is that one of the things you have to have confidence in and believe that she is speaking what He wants?

Nervous

Dr. H is calling at 10:30 to discuss us using her suggested acupuncturist and herb lady. I'm nervous that she is going to be adamant about us using her.

Lord please give me the words to say to convey my concerns to Dr. H and open my ears to hear the words you want me to hear. Please open Dr. H's ears to hear my concerns and give her the words You want her to speak to me. I want what You want and I want to be on Your path through all of this and if Dr. I is your path please make me content with that and the use of that money towards her services. I pray that you help me give this over to You and give me the peace that transcends all understanding - knowing that You are in control. Please be with C and she learns the results of her pregnancy test tomorrow and please be with L as she communicates with her doctors today. Please be with M as she starts this scary process. Please be with Robin as she meets with her doctor and also give her doctor the words to say that you want Robin to hear. Please give Lauren peace as she gets ready to undergo the lap surgery and let your will be done there. We all just pray for a child and we know that only You can give that to us. In your name I pray, Amen.

I really just have too many friends going through IF right now. My friend L just found out yesterday that her prolactin levels are too high - she was going today for her supression check for IVF - and that she needs to have an MRI to determine if she has a tumor on her pituitary gland. Her level was 27.2 and she's leaving for vacation this afternoon flying to NY - if this doesn't work itself out today that will make for a long worrisome weekend. Please say a prayer for her.

Thank you for the comments and the two book recommendations. I will see if I can find them soon.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Lost

Job 23
10 “But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. 11 For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside. 12 I have not departed from his commands, but have treasured his words more than daily food. 13 But once he has made his decision, who can change his mind? Whatever he wants to do, he does. 14 So he will do to me whatever he has planned. He controls my destiny. 15 No wonder I am so terrified in his presence. When I think of it, terror grips me. 16 God has made me sick at heart; the Almighty has terrified me. 17 Darkness is all around me; thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere."

I think this describes the fear of God - You know He is out there doing what He knows is best for you even if it causes you immeasurable pain. We have had the discussion in Sunday School before about what that means - "fear of God" - When I think of His power - even though I know His plan is best - the fear just grips me and it terrifies me that I am not in control nor do I know what is coming next. Is this an unChristian view or is just this human nature?

Back to my infertility world - I feel lost - Dr. H suggested on Friday we visit an acupuncturist who is also a certified herbologist - or whatever she is. Anyway - we went yesterday - and after we paid her $280 all I did was cry. She never really told us what she could do for us - she just looked at the 16 page questionnaire I filled out and told me I had issues with depression, anxiety and menstrual issues - yeah um - didn't I just tell you that - my embryos didn't grow - Dr. H thinks its my egg quality and I'm terribly upset about all of this.

She gave - or we bought - some huge bottles of vitamins -Xymogen - that is fine - I'll take vitamins but she wants me to come back once a week for acupuncture and to get her herbal tea and that will run us $160 a week not to mention the gas to drive to Birmingham and the time off from work once a week. It just seems impossible. And to be honest if this is what Dr. H is putting her hopes in working for me well lets just say I'm not opposed to getting a second opinion. And don't get me wrong I love her and if the second opinion agreed with her I would run back to her but the whole herbal/acupuncture thing is getting to me.

While used in conjunction with IVF it may enhance the experience but I want to hear her tell me that yes it is worth the extra $2000 or no the possible benefit does not outweigh the cost nor time off work. We have an herb shop less than a mile from our house that some good friends have used so I'm planning to go there to get his opinion and even if we don't go with Dr. H's lady I will get an herbal cleanse to hopefully rid myself of some toxins that I will no longer be subjecting myself to (I'll write a paragraph about that).

I just feel lost - we do what we are told and it seems crazy. I think God puts that voice in us saying that something isn't right when you've prayed about it. We have certainly been praying together and silently that God will show us the way and lead us and if this had been His way I really think we would have felt it instead of feeling like we were the poor desperate infertiles who will spend any amount of money if they think something will work for them. So I guess my question for ya'll is - what is your opinion of it and would you spend that kind of money on it?

As for the toxins - Robin you sound like you especially need to be aware of this - Clorox is an egg killer. Apparently when you expose yourself to Clorox type cleaning products it can be toxic to developing eggs. Dr. H wants me to quit using the kitchen clean up spray and the Clorox wipes and the shower cleaner. I have the same affection for cleaning the grout and tile and glass shower walls and door as Robin does. So . . . I mean you can't have a dirty house . . . I bought some organic cleaners - ironically made by Clorox brand! But our mother's have agreed to come over once a week or so to Windex the mirrors and clean the shower. Really though - look at the backs of your cleaning products and they all say "hazards to humans and domestic animals" - its scary. And also aspartame - my diet coke addiction - caffeine free as it is could be harmful to my eggs. Apparently when aspartame reaches 86 degrees it turns to formaldehyde which is the worst thing for your eggs and our "extra" diet cokes that we bought at Costco that don't fit in our fridge just sit in our garage - its been hot as hades around here lately so basically I was drinking formaldehyde. Anyway - I"m through with those toxins and I'm trying to learn to eat organically when ever feasible.

I've written a book - I need to actually do some work.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thank you

I appreciate your sweet comments and prayers.

I'm still not out of our fog and my fear is that its only going to get thicker tomorrow as we meet with Dr. H. From our phone conversation things are not looking good for us to ever have a child that is part of both of us. I want to have hope that this next protocol will be the miracle that we are looking for and I have to hope in that or its not worth doing.

I've been reading Job the last few days and I think I understand more clearly now that God really does not cause us this pain he allows Satan to tempt us to turn away from Him and hopefully He allows Satan that pleasure but only to the people he feels certain will stay with Him. Its hard and its not fun but I know and I believe that God is still in control of this aspect of my life. I have to accept that its not God's fault that our plan and His plan do not coincide and I pray that if they never do that God changes my heart and opens it to other possibilities.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

They stopped growing

After an awful IVF cycle where nothing would go right we found out that one embryo stopped growing at 4 cells and the other at 6. There will be nothing left to transfer. My eggs are misshapen and obviously have quality issues. The possibilities of us ever having our own biological children are slim. Dr. H wants to try us on another protocol to see if it will make a difference; however she is not optimistic. Statistics show that only maybe one more egg will be available and with my eggs that isn't good enough. How did we start this journey fighting male factor infertility and end up with us needing donor eggs. That was actually her next step - donor eggs and or donor sperm. What is the point? Do I want to be pregnant bad enough to do that? Is it easier than adoption? If it is then that works but I know nothing about any of it but its all expensive and we can't afford any of it. Especially if we go through another IVF cycle. We are pretty much spent after that. Ya'll there are no words for how I'm feeling right now and I know I should be turning to God but I'm just angry - if God doesn't want us to hurt why does he allow this to happen.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Ya'll . . .

I never knew that this was the hardest part of IVF - waiting to find out how your embryos are progressing. Over the weekend the calls came early in the morning. Now that its a weekday we are at the mercy of how the day is going for whatever nurse is supposed to call. I'm supposed to be at peace and confident that the Lord is in control but its hard. I'm a nervous wreck. I can't even imagine how much I will love this or whatever child God has planned for me b/c I just want to watch over these embryos and make sure that they are safe and happy. I can't imagine having a real child to take care of and love. I am certain when I get there that there will be abundant love and a greater appreciation of the child. I am sure that through this we will be better parents one day.

Pray for our embryos and my peace about it all.

Thank you.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

2 fertilized normally

I am very thankful and at the same time very scared b/c those two fragile little fertilized eggs (don't know for sure if they are embryos yet??) have a lot of dividing to do between now and Wed.

I know that God will give us what we need and if one or both of these embryos is not his planned child for us we have to accept that - the future is so uncertain but I have to take comfort in the fact that I don't have to worry - God will accept all of my burdens about this. I did cry many tears after I heard the news - partially b/c I was so relieved that we had 2 and partially b/c I'm so scared of the future and growing so tired of waiting. God knows what I can handle and I have to believe that he won't give me more than I can handle. As you know from my last post that they were supposed to call by 2 and I assumed since I had to give them 2 phone numbers that they would actually call and not just leave it on my patient voicemail. Well I was wrong - they left it on my patient voicemail at 8:30 this morning so I worried needlessly for 5 hours about when they would call. Lesson learned and useful tip for Lauren - always check your voicemail. I'm assuming that they wanted the phone number in case the news was bad - they probably wouldn't want to leave a message saying that none fertilized.

Just pray for us that our two little ones will be around and thriving in the morning and when Carrie calls with the update that it will be a good one. Please pray that I am able to have patience through all of this and am able to give it to the Lord. Even still I'm struggling with this. I don't have to feel the pain I'm feeling if I could fully give it to Him.

Any idea what percentage of fertilized eggs make it to transfer? I'm hoping that we have at least one to transfer.

No update yet

Its almost 1pm - I haven't heard how my eggs are doing yet. I'm eagerly awaiting the fertilization report. It is printed on my discharge instructions that if we haven't gotten a call by 2pm that we should call them. The office is closed - how exactly do we call them? God really wants to teach me patience and that he is in control. I have been reading the book of Proverbs for the last hour. I know it should calm me to be in the Word but I'm not feeling calm right now. I am at peace that He is in control I just want to know now. I think I need to go read about patience.

Peace. That was the word for the day yesterday at the Egg retrieval so I'm trying to practice breathing techniques to reduce anxiety. Breathe in for 2 seconds and out of your mouth for 3 seconds. Plus I've been praying all morning. I'm doing the best I can.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Egg Retrieval

We got 5 eggs. They will call tomorrow with the fertilization rate and I assume the number of mature eggs that they could actually try to fertilize. It went good - very easy.

I'm going to be very specific so Lauren can read this if she decides to go forward with IVF:
We get there at 9 - an hour before the actual egg retrieval. They go ahead and take you back to the "surgery" area that looks like a pre-op kind of area at a regular outpatient surgery area. I get changed into my hospital gown - she said I could leave my bra on. You lock all of your clothes and purse in a locker and give your husband the key. I had brought a bag just in case he was to have to be in charge of it so I just locked it in there too. Then I got on a hospital bed and signed some forms. Dr. H came by and told me to be at peace and to remember who is in charge - can I say again how much I love her! Then Hubby went off to do his thing and I waited for my anesthesia. They gave me an IV and some IV antibiotics and then right before 10 the surgery nurse came out and gave me some happy juice. I didn't get sleepy just very calm. Then they wheeled me into the surgery room and I had to switch beds to get on the one with stirrups. They attached me to some heart monitors and blood pressure and pulse and then waited for Dr.H to come back. She came in and gave me a hug and then they gave me the good stuff. I got very loopy but never fell asleep. I could feel what she was doing but it was all kind of in a fog. Before you leave the operating room they give you the count. Dr. H had said she knew they got 4 and then the embryologist found one more - I'm guessing that one isn't mature though. Then She helped me get to the other bed and she went and got my husband and we went back to recovery. I felt sleepy for about an hour and then we got to go. They do wheel you out just in case you get woozy. She made me drink a sprite and eat some crackers before we left. Dr. H came back in and hugged me again and kissed me on top of the head and reminded me to be at peace. Carrie the embryologist will call early tomorrow with very important info!! All in all I think it went smoothly. We were home by 1:15 so I would guess we were out of there by 12. Its all in kind of a fog. I remember thinking that I was wide awake but when I think back on it I really can't remember everything. All I know is that I love Dr. H and all the nurses there. Yvonne was the nurse in the back and she was wonderful.

I feel fine - a little crampy - I got some strong drugs but I think I'll just stick with Tylenol.

Thanks for your prayers. I was waiting to go back praying in my head thanking God for all my friends that I knew were praying and I included several of you in that list. I know God was there b/c I felt so at peace with it all and of course I'm a little nervous about the results tomorrow but I still feel very confident and at peace with it all b/c basically if the answer is NO that is still God's plan and we will just try again. As smooth as this process was if the money is there I'll definitely try again if need be and hope the medicine can be adjusted and maybe my stress level will be lower now that I know what to expect. I'm trying not to think negatively; I'm going to take it minute by minute and hour by hour until I know if we are going to make it to transfer.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Hummingbirds and T shirts and scripture verses

I triggered last night - well actually my mom and dad came over so my mom - she's an RN - could give me my trigger shot at 10pm. It didn't hurt and my hip isn't sore today either. When we did our IUI it was sore - I hope it worked and she did it right.

I was at their house yesterday after we got home from Birmingham and we saw a hummingbird in their backyard. She told me that is good luck. I had never heard that but over the last week or so I have seen 3 hummingbirds - one at hubby's grandmother's assisted living home outside her window, another at our neighbors house and it seems like I've seen another - so that could be 4 hummingbird sightings to correspond with our hopefully 4 good eggs. I know I'm grasping here but has anyone else ever heard that seeing a hummingbird is good luck?

I went to Kohls at lunch today b/c my hubby thinks I need something more comfortable and less fashionable to wear tomorrow for egg retrieval. I obliged and got a pair of stretchy pants and a matching jacket and when I was leaving I held the door for this woman and she had a T shirt on that said Proverbs 22:6. I thought hey - that could be God speaking to me b/c really lately I've been searching for His voice everywhere. So I get back to work and hit up biblegateway.com and the verse is "train a child in the way he should go and when he is older he will not turn from it." I hope that is God speaking to me. Oh how I hope I need that verse.

Also another infertile friend in real life - there should be an acronym for that! - emailed me out of the blue yesterday and asked how IVF was going and when I told her probably more than she actually wanted to know she emailed me back Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That does give me hope - I know I've blogged about this verse before but I still feel the same way. I don't see a future without kids and I know God wants to give me hope so I hope that he will provide me with a child.

Finally, another friend in real life whose IVF cycle got cancelled but she ended up pregnant naturally emailed me with James 1:2-8 "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. " Wow talk about convicting me - whoa. Actually she only sent the part that isn't bolded and I just looked up the last part and am feeling extremely convicted right now. This is the verse that I needed to see a lot earlier in this cycle. Wow. I cannot doubt God. I have been struggling with that - I know he can do it but does he want to do it? That is still doubting him and when I'm being negative about this cycle that too is doubting him and I see that now. Wow. I know I've said it but let me say it again - Wow! I must email my friend and let her know how that convicted me.

Ya'll pray for my eggs tomorrow! I appreciate all of your comments and love reading them. It helps to know you are out there and care even if I'm really just a stranger! (even though ya'll have read my inmost thoughts and no one in my real life has ever read this! I may not be quite as much of a stranger!)

I feel almost upbeat now after reading that verse. I prayed out loud on my way home for lunch - I'm sure people in other cars think I'm crazy - that God would make me upbeat and then I changed it and said I can't feel upbeat just make me feel positive about this cycle. I guess He can - and I think He did just to prove he's listening. The same way He did when I asked for Him to speak through Dr. H. He knows when to send signs.

I'm going back to work. I'll take my computer home with me so maybe I can update this weekend. Ya'll have a good weekend!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I don't even know what to think anymore

Yesterday I got my E2 level and it was 683 -- that points to about 3 mature eggs. This morning we had to go to Birmingham for the ultrasound and blood work. I had 5 follicles ready to go and one slow one. The set egg retrieval for Friday. I asked if we could discuss that with Dr. H and they let us and she is wonderful. We talked and she said it looked good that we could have more but at my age she believes that the ones we have are healthy and she said that if I were 38 she probably would cancel the cycle but b/c of my age less eggs are needed to find a good one. I was happy - she was happy - all was good. She made the caveat that we would have to wait and see what the E2 level said but all was good. They would call me.

4 hours later Dr. H herself calls me - now I pretty much immediately know that this is not good. She said E2 was 880 - should have been around 1200 to agree to the ultrasound - she thinks only about 4 mature eggs. With only 4 mature eggs we are disqualified from shared risk - that means no money back guarantee. She thinks I have some issues with my number of eggs - she didn't say diminished ovarian reserve but that is what it sounds like to me. She thinks there is about a 30% chance of pregnancy and she would go ahead with retrieval. I have prayed to let God speak through her and my proof is that her next comment was "we have done what we can and now Lord its up to you" and then she said Stephanie - I want to hear you say that and she made me say that through my tears. I don't know how she knew I am a Christian b/c I don't think I was as open about it with her as Lauren is so I'm guessing she didn't know. Maybe she did or maybe she didn't care and this was her opportunity to witness to someone. Either way it gave me even more respect for her than I already had. She knows that she is only there to be the catalyst for God's miracles. I can just feel the love she exudes and that must come from God b/c I can imagine its hard for her to love every emotional woman that walks through her door wanting a baby. I have confidence in her and her abilities and even more so in God's. While I am upset with this - as I think most people would be - I know that God is in control and as Dr. H said - He may not give us what we want but he will give us what we need. He didn't give us a lot of follicles to work with but he did give us enough to proceed. It may be all we need. If it doesn't work He'll still give us what we need. I have faith that he will not give me more than I can handle. For some reason we are going through this and I need to take the opportunity to be thankful for this struggle. I know off the top of my head that it has made me a stronger Christian and has strengthened our marriage so if that is all that we get out of it and we never get a baby then that is God's plan. Right now the thought of that makes me cry and want to curl up in a ball but one day if that is His plan it may not. I may be content with that. If he wants to grant us children some other way then when its time my heart will change - I have no doubt that he will help me through and fulfill my needs. But its still a very emotional thing and I am sad.

Please pray for the follicles I have to stay strong until Friday and that the eggs retrieved will be of good quality and 100% will fertilize and that we will have what we need to transfer and that if its God's will we will have a healthy embryo implant.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The latest from the maybe, maybe NOT IVF cycle

Well I got a message on my patient voicemail yesterday at around 5 saying that my E2 of 461 is in line with my ultrasound (as in both are very crappy right now) and that I should take the last two nights of medicine and come in on Wed.

I already had an appointment this morning so I just went in anyway - I mean I've paid them well over $14,000 and if I choose to have a camera wand stuck in me then I think that is only fair - anyway Sarah said yes of course if it would make me feel better we could take a look - I mean I did have an appointment and everything.

So I now have 3 follicles ready for retrieval with 3 more lazy ones a few steps behind. I know at some point they start to worry more about losing the big ones than waiting on the little ones but I don't know at what point that is. I do know that Sarah was a great help - as usual. She made sure to tell me that even if I make that magic number of 4 that yes there is a 70% fertilization rate and 70% of 4 is 2.8 and you can't really have a 0.8 of an embryo so that leaves 2 and if for some reason those 2 are not perfect well . . . things aren't looking so hot.

She made it a point to tell us that we have the option to cancel the cycle - they aren't the only ones that can do that. If we talk to Dr. H (and I really really really hope that we get a chance to tomorrow) and she thinks that she can do better next time - as in readjust the meds - then we should cancel this one and wait for the next one.

Yesterday that seemed like the end of the world but today I'm surprisingly OK with that. I'm 100% sure that this change of attitude comes from the hours I spent praying yesterday silently, written, out loud, crying - you name it and I prayed it yesterday. Hubby and I spent a long time talking and praying together as well so I'm sure God has made me this calm today purely because He knows that if this cycle gets cancelled I would have been a wreck. It is all because of Him that I am not and to tell you the truth it sounds better to me to cancel than to risk not having anything to transfer and wasting one of our 2 shared risk trys.

My friend Cindy's retrieval was today and her husband had to have surgical sperm extraction so throw out an extra prayer for the two of them!

I really wish all of this was easier but I'm trying to stay firm in the fact that God is in control and I want what He has planned for me so I really shouldn't' try to fight it. I sure hope that I'm doing the right thing.

Monday, August 11, 2008

I'm really worried

Worry seems to be a constant in this IVF cycle.

The fluid in the endometrial lining has resolved itself. I have a beautiful endometrium - per Sarah - however I have very few mature eggs to actually create embryos to implant in that beautiful endometrium. I have 6 total measurable - 2 of which are 1.4 and 2 that are 1.2 - those 2 better grow but that will still only give us 4 good looking ones. I know it only takes one but there is a portion of me that wants lots of options. Its how I am about most things - I like to look at all possible options.

Now if God has picked this particular embryo to be my child then great - lets get this show on the road - and how easy would it be if I knew that to be the case - however, I have to trust in Him and be patient. Oh how hard that is right now. I know He's in control and no amount of worrying, fretting or crying is going to change that.

Lord please envelope me with your peace throughout the rest of this cycle. Please give me patience and faith that You alone are in control and know how this cycle ends and either way with Your help I will be fine. Thank you for all the blessings in my life that I tend to over look at times like this. Forgive me for doubting You and the doctors. You put me in this place for a reason and I want your will to be done - no matter what that is. I want to glorify you through this and I haven't done a very good job of that in the last few days. I give this over to you right now at 11:26 am and know that I am not in control and need to stop trying to be. You will prevail and I want to facilitate any good that You want to come out of this struggle with infertility. If its easy I won't be as good of a witness for you. Bless the upcoming support group meeting and the plans that are being made for it. Bless C and L as they go through this struggle as well. Give C & B your peace and ease his pain be with their resulting embryos until transfer. Please give L & G your peace as well as they start this journey with a new doctor and meet the staff on Wed. Please make it an easy road for them and ease the communication issues that may arise dealing with an out of town doctor's office. Please watch over my follicles and if it be your will grow them to the right size and make them of good quality. Be with Dr. H today as she looks over my chart and decides how to proceed in this cycle. I love you and all of your wonderful gifts you have given me. In your name I pray, Amen

Friday, August 8, 2008

Why does this have to be so hard?

About 5:30 yesterday evening I got a call from Janet the IVF coordinator. She said that my estrogen was 81 and progesterone was .6. That was fine but the fluid is still concerning them and apparently Dr. H didn't know to click the extra tab to look at the pictures from the ultrasound of the fluid. So . . . Janet tells me that if its a problem what they will probably want to do is go ahead with the cycle but freeze all the embryos. I'm not happy with that and I start crying. She tries to convince me that the FET have a good success rate. I'm not blind - at my clinic for 2006 its 47% vs 33% for male factor - I'm not really excited about that. Plus is that going to count for one of our fresh cycles in our shared risk plan? I'm unhappy that its after lunch the next day and I still know nothing. I know Dr. H does surgery on Friday mornings but haven't I paid enough money to get some decent attention out of this. I know I need to be patient but still . . . this is very frustrating.

My Google MD research has led me to believe that she will want to continue with the cycle and see if the fluid resolves itself by egg retrieval and if not they can aspirate it during egg retrieval and do an ultrasound between the retrieval and transfer to see if it has come back. But that is just one case I read on the internet - my doctor might want a perfect cycle for her success rates. I'm overly frustrated. I read somewhere that the perfect word for this is hormotional and I fully know that this is an emotional adventure with tons of hormones thrown in there.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

1 Corinthians 3:7-9

7It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow.
8 The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work.
9 For we are both God’s workers. And you are God’s field. You are God’s building.

Update

Hi Robin! Got your comment so I thought I would update. Thanks to Lauren too for her comment - God knew I needed to hear that this morning.

Ok lets start by saying that I am a worry wart, drama queen, freak out, overreact, any other name you can come up with so . . . with that said . . . apparently I have fluid in my endometrial lining - from what I can gather its just a longer than normal period. Apparently this is cause for concern and I should have listened to my husband when he told me on Tuesday to call the nurse and tell her I was still bleeding and its been a week. It stopped and was just spotting and it was brown so I wasn't concerned and I just figured I would tell Sarah (nurse practitioner) today. Yeah . . . so I was wrong. Should have called . . . but didn't. Got the point. She doesn't think this is a deal breaker but does want to let Dr. H look at the ultrasound picture of it. I'm hoping to hear something soon b/c I then put a call into the IVF nurse hoping she could calm me down but I haven't heard back from her yet.

I have 10 follicles - none of which are growing yet. I am a slow responder. From what I've read - not so good but then Sarah said that she would rather work with a slow responder than a fast responder. I want to believe her but then isn't part of her job not to freak the IVF patients out any worse than they already are?

On a positive note, shots are going great - small stinging sensation but nothing like the first two. I'll stick with that.

I'll try to update this afternoon with blood work results and what Janet - the IVF nurse says.

Oh but Sarah's guess is that I'll be going to B'ham early Sunday morning for another ultrasound. I hope I can stay sane until then!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Worrying . . . is it all just a part of IVF?

I can't stop - its all I've been thinking about today - what if I go in tomorrow after 4 days of stims and I have no follicles or what if I get to egg retrieval and I have all immature eggs. Nothing in the past 8 months of tests has pointed to the possibility of any of that - as far as I know - but I'm terrified. I'd like to say that its the medicine causing my imagination to run away but its not. I've always been like this. I prepare for the worst - in everything. If I call my mom and I can't get her I worry that she is dead - I know this makes me crazy and most of the time I can control it but this has been a rough 2 weeks. I had a mom episode last week and she was at a movie b/c she was bored and my dad wouldn't go with her to see X Files - to be honest I'm pretty sure she didn't' ask him. She's more secure than I am - I just ate at a restaurant by myself for the first time last month - 29 years and I would rather sit in my car than eat alone. It was just a chicken biscuit before a CPE class but still. It was also the first time I've ever driven to B'ham alone. I'm rambling now - back to me worrying. Does anyone think I should be worrying - what are the chances? I asked my IVF nurse what the chances would be to get to transfer and have nothing to transfer and she said almost none. But why do you read about it on the internet everywhere? I know the internet is a dangerous tool and once I really do get pregnant I really need to cut it off b/c I'll drive myself insane.

OK - I'll update the rest of my life. Lets see Monday nights shot went just as crappy as Sunday nights. I tried it in the thigh - hurt like hell - don't do it there! I'm also supposed to limit my exposure to heat while on these meds and since its still a heat index of 99 at 8:00 that means to my husband that I don't need to go on my nightly walk with him and our puppy?! Now I think this is a crock but his mom and my mom both agree and when the mothers agree - I do what I'm told so . . . I tried to do pilates while he walked our doggie. Pilates seems to be at a greater risk to do harm to my hopefully swelling ovaries than a mile walk in the heat? I only did about 15 minutes and then gave up - my theory is that I need all the fat on my "core" to continue to give shots. I feel sorry for skinny people doing IVF - those shots really have to hurt!

Yesterday I sat in a continuing education class all day learning about Auditing Employee Benefit Plans - snore! Last night my hubby's parents took us out to dinner for his birthday and it took forever. I was freaking out about giving the shot late so we forewent the cake and presents and just high tailed it home to give the shot. This shot went better than the other two - it seemed to sting less but I was also worked up so the adrenaline was flowing. I couldn't get the cap off the needle and sliced my hand open and bent the needle so we had to put a new needle on the syringe. I let a drop or two out when I was changing out the Q - Cap as well - I hope that drop didn't matter too much.

We'll try again tonight and see how it goes.

I still haven't had many side effects - I've had a headache everyday but nothing 2 tylenol won't fix. It seems like I'm bloated but I ate a huge meal last night and left over ice cream cake for lunch so - I might just be eating too much. We'll see what Nurse Sarah has to say tomorrow. I think I'm making hubby go with me - do your husbands go with you to monitoring appointments? I make him go when I might get bad news - he went to our antral follicle count appointment but I didn't make him go to the SIS.

I'm going to finish my Form 5500 that I've been working on for a week. Its due on August 15th so I have to finish it so I can get my eggs retrieved and not worry about work - its the only thing that is actually due then. I hope I don't get OHSS b/c I've got an audit and contractors license due on Aug 31. They may just have to get an extension. Its not the end of the world.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Ouch Follistim and Menopur stings

Last night was the first stim shot - can I say OUCH! That stuff stings. I had already started crying when I saw all of the liquid that was going to have to be injected into me. I'm the kind of girl that won't even take a tylenol. I'm pretty sure as much medicine is being injected into me is going to cause some sort of side effects. That is my fear in all of this - I mean besides it not working - is the side effects. Lupron - none - so far so good. I think it has caused some acne and it makes me bruise easy but no problem. Anyway - my mom gave me the shot and it hurt - like a bee stinging but there is so much medicine that it doesn't stop very quickly. I need to do some research to see if there is anything I can do to stop that.

Anyway - hubby had his 30th birthday party Saturday. We had our best friends there and it was very nice. One couple is going through IVF with their egg retrieval scheduled for about 3 weeks after ours. The other 3 have kids - I had 3 kids in my house. One colored on a chair and the other lost our dogs Chuck IT. If you have a lab or a lab like dog that is obsessed with a ball you must have a chuck it. It keeps you from having to touch the slobbery ball. Its awesome. I described it as like a pacifier for a baby - something a dog owner can't live without. We will be going to Petsmart and purchasing another one tonight. What could a 5 year old have done with it?? We looked over the fences, under beds, couches and in corners. I'm so confused.

Tomorrow is hubby's actual birthday and we are going out with his parents. It should be nice.

I must work now but will post again soon.