Friday, June 27, 2008

God planned encounter . . .

I went to the OBGYN yesterday for a yearly check up. I couldn't get in with my doctor until September so I just made an appointment with the nurse practitioner that works there. And like most OBGYN's there were pregnant women and teenagers everywhere. I was pity pottying it hard! So I finally get called back and the NP asks why I was seeing her instead of my reg doc. So I told her I needed a current Pap before I started my IVF cycle. Her face just lit up and she asked me if I knew that she had a son from IVF. Well no but I'm guessing God did and he wanted me to know too! She talked to me for about 30 minutes before she even did the exam. She goes to the same doctors and was so complementary. I know it's not much but I felt God there and I know he wanted me to hear her story for some reason. She did IVF 4 times and I really hope that isn't His point but . . . from now on I will look at waiting at a doctor's office a little different. God might have planned for someone to have a meeting that ran a little over. I'm pretty sure she was backed up the rest of the day b/c of it.

This is also too coincidental to be a coincidence -- I read this devotional "Longing for a Child" and there was a devotional in it about bearing one another's burdens and my infertile friend IRL had just given me a bear b/c one day we'll need them. The devotional was about that same thing - the speaker had given out bears to the group of women. Its a great devotional if anyone is looking for one.

Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

CD whatever - I just want a freaking ultrasound!!

I'm not sure what to do. I'm supposed to start on July 3 which would put CD3 on July 5 and that is when I'm supposed to have an ultrasound to do an antral follicle count to see if we qualify for the shared risk refund plan for IVF. OK so you don't have to check calendar . . . July 5 falls on a Saturday. My doctor operates on weekends by appointment only but that is mainly for IVF and IUI patients - somehow I don't think anyone wants to come in on a weekend to check my antral count!! But I called and left a message for the nurse to call me back. She said that I could do the ultrasound on day 1-4 and it didn't really matter. OK so if it works out then CD1 will be a Thursday and I can go to my satellite office in my city and have the ultrasound - no biggie. Well I get a call yesterday that the NP that runs our satellite office is off all next week so I will have to go to B'ham. That is fine too but I won't know if that is really CD 1 until that day - I always start first thing in the morning. I guess I could always make an appointment for B'ham and then if I don't really start I could just cancel it. I'm usually only off by a day or two one way or the other - its not like I remotely think that I'm pregnant! I just thought I would clarify that!! Anyway that is my dilemma of the day. I wonder if they have someone else coming in this weekend - I mean if they are going to be there anyway . . . maybe they would do it for me!! The 4th is my birthday so it seems like they could be nice and all!! I mean I'm the one driving to B'ham and am willing to get a wand shoved up my bleeding who ha - ON MY BIRTHDAY!!

I've never had a CD 3 ultrasound done - is it really that gross??

Friday, June 20, 2008

Check this article out!

What you do when the boss isn't looking.

Check the times of ALL of my posts. ALL between 8 - 5!! Boss is gone A LOT!!! I'm good with that! Especially during the summer.

I will say that through the fertility appointments and treatments so far and what I've told him is coming he is more than sympathetic and will definitely work with me. I appreciate him!

Nothing much new on the fertility front. Still waiting . . . I'm beginning to get used to that! I've really had a peace about everything this week and I feel good about it. Yeah it sucks but that is what we have to do so we might as well make the best of it. I kind of forgot about how my husband was feeling about all of it. He finally had a breakdown last night and let a lot of emotion out that I'm pretty sure he's been keeping inside. He likes to remind me that Hank on King of the Hill says to swallow it. Well I feel bad b/c of the blame he has taken upon himself. I don't blame him. Blame evokes the thought that you could have prevented it. Yeah - its possible if he exercised a little more and ate a little less maybe it would improve but . . . the medicine was supposed to even out the hormones and they did and it didn't work so by him doing it naturally . . . I really don't think that would have worked either. Plus it would have a LONG way to go to get back to normal. His good count has been 3 million total motile with 60% motility and 10% morphology so . . . mucho room for improvement! I tried to explain to him that he's got to give it up to God. This is God's plan for our life - whatever the reason and he's taking too much credit for it! Making babies is God's work and we want Him to lead us and if this is how He wants us to create life then so be it. I can understand his thoughts b/c IVF pretty much makes him uninvolved. He doesn't take shots or have appointments. That bothered me for about half a day and then I moved on. I know its not his fault and I know that to have a baby we have to do this so I say lets get going!! I wish he would not only hear what I'm saying but believe it too!

OK - that got deeper than I meant for it too. I just thought the article was funny!!

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Like I said --the boss is away and I'm gonna play!! I hope no one calls after about 2 today b/c I won't be here!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Nothing much

I'm still adjusting to the fact that we will be starting IVF next month. I'm sad b/c I will most likely begin birth control pills the day before my birthday and then go for the lovely CD 3 ultrasound the day after. I can deal with that if by my next birthday - the big 30 I have a baby or at the very least am pregnant. That was always my goal - to have a baby by the time I was 30. I've got 4 more months to meet that goal.

I'm also struggling with my purpose in all of this. I know God has a purpose and I want to fulfill it and it may be that like my friend Cindy, that purpose is not revealed for several years. I want to be able to walk someone who is scared through their first IVF. If I could do school over I would love to be in infertility field instead of a CPA. I don't know if I would like to be a doctor but a counselor would be awesome.

I also have a complaint - while my husband OBVIOUSLY has his faults - namely uncooperative sperm - why does he have to use a knife to spread peanut butter on something and then leave it on the counter where it gets all gummy and sticky and I have to scrub it off! I know minor inconvenience but still! That is my peeve of the day!!

I'm having my bunko group to my house on Monday and I have to CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN all weekend so its not attrocious. The theme is breakfast bunko - yummy breakfast food and pajamas and bunco - you can't beat that with a stick!

Let's see . . . that is about all going on these days. DH hopefully got a commission that will go a long way in paying for the IVF which is great! Keep your fingers crossed!

Friday, June 13, 2008

IVF here we come!

Well hubby went on Monday to B'ham to leave a sample. Said sample was analyzed. Tuesday Dr. H suggested we be more aggressive and move to IVF. That is the short story. The long story involves many tears and feelings of fear beyond belief. I read many blogs about IVF and they don't seem scared so why am I so scared. I've since talked to a friend who actually goes several states away to do IVF. She has one child with it and is going again soon so it can't be that bad if people do it again , right? I keep up with JJ and Jen and they are willing to do it so it can't be that bad right? Any advice?

I'm having a hard time sorting out the financial aspect, the physical aspect and my thoughts that the grass might be greener at another doctor's office. It's almost like gambling - if I go to one more doctor they will have the answer and we won't have to pay thousands to have a baby.

I'm 100% sure I want to do IVF I just want to do it where God wants me to be. I want Him to be in control of all of this and I don't want to interfere with any of his plans. I'm trying to let Him lead me where he wants me.

I've scoured the SART success rates and really can't find any better than the clinic I'm already with. I'm happy there and I like the doctor and DH likes the doctor. I love the satelitte office nurses -- where I would likely spend most of my time -- but still I have that feeling that we should at least get a second opinion. I'm bad to second guess myself and DH is not. If he is happy with something - be it a car, our house, paint color, etc - he just goes for it but I have to analyze all potential aspects and see if there is anything out there better than what we have found.

I want a baby and if this will get me a baby then I guess I have to get past my nerves and start taking the birth control pillls - whoever invented that as an IVF protocol a weirdo! They can call them something else besides that!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Nothing exciting

The weekend is over. It was fun but I've come to the realization that everything we do usually revolves around other people's children.

Saturday we went to Birmingham to visit my husband's sister for her birthday and her husband had arranged a surprise birthday dinner for her. There were 5 couples and 3 of them brought their children. One had a 2 year old and a one month old. Can we say Margarita here we come?! There was another 2 year old and a 10 month old. You have got to be freaking kidding me. There we are sitting at a table full of babies when I had just had a failed IUI - and I know not everything in the world revolves around me but I do feel like God likes to test me. He just wants to see how strong I am. I had a margarita and I was fine - talking about all the kids and how cute they are and what the 10 month old is eating and all the appropriate things you are supposed to ask parents. And like all parents of small children, the question was coming . . . i knew it was coming . . . i could just feel it . . . and then there it was - "I know this is a personal question but do ya'll want kids?" Ok I can go one of two ways here. She's virtually a stranger so I could just say yes and leave it at that or I could say something smart. So . . . I said Yes and then she asked when . . . so I told her. My DH thinks that I shouldn't-- but if you are going to push it you get to hear it! I didn't tell her anything specific just that we were seeing some doctors about fertility issues and hoped it would work soon. So . . . that was at least a topic of convo for us. She has a friend who used the same group of doctors - it was fine. She said she would pray for us. I can definitely use that!

So the next day our neighbors ask if they can go to church with us and that is great b/c they have a 6 year old that wants to go to church but again it was all about the kids - they have the most precious 2 year old too. We went to lunch with them after church and it is always an event to go out to eat wth a 2 year old. And lucky me I got to do it twice in less than 24 hours -with 3 different two year olds!

I know He's not but do you sometimes feel like maybe God is pointing and laughing?? My husband says that when I feel like that then that means God is trying to teach me something b/c He doesn't point and laugh. I agree. In my defense I did say that after the margarita!

DH went for another SA this morning so we'll get the results at our video conference tomorrow. Hopefully Dr. H will be straight with us and tell us if we would be wasting our time with any more IUI's. I'm completly nervous about IVF but . . . I'm ready at the same time. I just really hope this is a useful meeting and its not just all roses and candy and just keep trying. Surely not. Surely she'll have to give us some sort of possible success rate for our count. Its nervewracking.

Friday, June 6, 2008

It's official . . .

IUI #1 failed. I expected that since Monday but . . . today is CD 1. I'm disappointed but I am looking forward to meeting with Dr. H on Tuesday. Hopefully she'll have something to say to make us feel better. If not she may say to go directly to IVF - I'm prepared for either. I'm really handling this better than I thought I could. But I think that is what I've found throughout this whole process -- I'm a stronger person than I give myself credit for. I realize that all of my strength comes from God and I wouldn't be handling any of this as well as I have if it weren't for HIM. I do think that our marriage has not suffered too terribly much from this so far. I mean of course its stressful -- he feels guilty, I feel sad -- sometimes we just know its better not to say anything and then sometimes we can talk about it openly and it feels good. If DH wasn't so strong it would be hard though - He's stays strong so I don't have to be and I appreciate that. Sometimes I would like to know that he cares about all of this and it affects him like it does me. He does make comments about how much it hurts that he's the one with the issues and it breaks his heart that he can't give me a baby and how sorry he is. I know and I wish I could fix it. Gosh how I wish I could fix it.

Ok - enough of that -- we are going to visit his sister this weekend for her birthday and go shopping! I love shopping!! I told her the other day that if shopping ever quits cheering me up that someone just needs to start an IV drip of Prozac. I'm so cheap that I don't think I could ever be a shopaholic but it does relax me. Lately - since the whole we need to save about $15,000 for IVF - I'll just walk around and look and try stuff on and just not buy anything - even that makes me happy. I've done a lot of that this week.

My doggie has a play date tonight with a friend. We are going on a walk together. They are funny -- my friend has a pool and her dog won't get in it but mine loves it. Her dog gets worried about mine and starts nipping at her trying to get her out. We can't play in the back yard anymore!! They get along better in the airconditioning anyway. I do to - since the heat index is already over 100 degrees here. CRAZINESS.

Better do some work - although my boss is out of town again!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

On a positive note

I got added to "Stirrup Queens Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer" and I added her and some other links to the side of my blog and it actually worked. I'm impressed with my techno savy self!

Hope is almost dead

I haven't officially started but I know me and I will tomorrow.

I already called the Nurse message line and conceeded. She said that I should do the next IUI in the main office - they have the technology to do a post wash count to see what we are working with. It sounds almost like we shouldn't have done this one in the satellite office?

I will either meet with Dr. H on the day of the next IUI - approximately - or if we can get a video conference before then we'll do that.

I want something to change on this one. I mean - isn't that the definition of insanity - doing the same thing and expecting different results. Heck - I'm crazy - I might as well meet the definition of it.

I'm waiting on scheduling to call me back about the video conference.

I want some drugs or something - I want to produce many eggs. It might not be that time yet. The nurse said that since my blood work all was normal that there was no need for me to do that again. Maybe if this one doesn't work she'll add some drugs for me. I know I'm crazy when I'm asking for fertility drugs.

I'm just angry and rambling. Maybe next month . . .

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Lemon Cake Recipe

Ok - I said I wanted to post something interesting and I got the idea from reading Andrea-Jennine's blog so here it goes:

Lemon Ice Box Cake - Weight Watchers recipe

1 box yellow cake mix
10 ounces of Diet Sprite
2 eggs
1 can Fat Free Sweetened Condensed Milk
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 container of FF Cool Whip

Mix cake mix, Diet Sprite and eggs together and pour into either a 9X13 or 2 round cake pans. Bake according to times on cake mix box. Mix condensed milk and lemon juice and refrigerate until cake is cool. Split the round layers if using the round cake pans. Spread the lemon juice mixture over each layer and stack them then frost with the cool whip.

I didn't use the round pans I used the 9x13 and it did not make for a pretty presentation but I tried to flip the cake out of the pan and cut it in half to make a small rectangle cake with 2 layers. It tasted good but was not pretty. If you don't care about WW you can always cook the cake according to the package directions and then continue to follow directions.

That was my attempt at baking on Sunday. I won't do that again for a while!!

Spotting

I started spotting last night so I guess I'm out for this cycle. Most people don't get pregnant on their first IUI and especially couples with as many sperm issues as we have. Oh well . . . I'll call and try to get a video conference appointment to see where we go from here. I don't know if I should wait to do that until I officially start or if I should go ahead and do that?

I did read two comforting verses this morning:
Psalm 94:19 When doubts filled my mind you gave me comforting hope and cheer.

Romans 5:3-5 3 Not only so, but we[a] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know
that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope.
5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the
Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

The first I actually read on the website of my pastor's daughter in law who suffered a brain hemmorage due to a AVM - which is a birth defect. She's been fighting for 42 days now. When I feel like my problems are too big I just read the updates about her and know that my problems are small. God will give us a child one day all of our own and if He doesn't . . . well I guess that is His plan and there isn't much I can say about it.

I feel like this blog is boring. But then my life is boring these days. I work, go home, walk my perfect dog and watch tv and go to bed with an occasional doctor's appointment thrown in.

I've got to liven up so my blog doesn't put people to sleep!!

I do have a new obsession though -- The Office. We borrowed Seasons 1-3 from a friend and are all the way through seasons 1 and 2 and into season 3 and it is so funny! My favorite one so far is the one where Dwight is bouncing on the exercise ball telling Jim how beneficial it is and how he should get one and Jim asks how much it costs and then pops it with scissors. I fell down laughing that was so funny!

As you can tell the boss isn't here today so I may even post more than once. Probably still boring but . . . we'll see if I can come up with something interesting today.

Monday, June 2, 2008

10 dpiui

Well today is 10 dpiui. I feel nothing. I kind of thought I had some cramps earlier this afternoon. That is probably not a good thing. I've been praying to be content with whatever happens. I have to be thankful in everything.

In other specifics, I had my progesterone test last Thursday and it came back at 17.6 which I was told was very good for an unmedicated cycle. I take that as a complement! So far what I've gotten out of this IUI is that we aren't fighting any battles when it comes to my fertility so that is a good thing. If we can just get some good sperm we should be good to go. I'm hoping that if this cycle is not successful we can get an actual SA to give us a decent count and motility. At least maybe the doctor will be able to say what we are working with and if we should proceed or not. The nurse told me that we would have a videoconference if it didn't work so maybe we'll get some info. I'm already convinced it didn't work . . . I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Maybe it will allow for less disappointment. Of course I want it to work but . . . we don't always get what we want.

Tell me if other infertiles do this . . . My DH and I were on vacation this weekend and it seemed that everywhere we went there were the cutest babies with the cutest blonde hair and chubby legs and so we kept picking out the one's we were going to steal! I know that we would never actually do this but if there was a baby store we would buy these babies. Maybe that is a better way to put it.

Nothing else exciting is going on just more waiting. I guess I'm getting used to the waiting.