Tuesday, May 27, 2008

IUI #1

IUI #1 was Friday. It went well - I hope. I'm a little disappointed that they don't give you a count. I know I have read other's blogs and such that give a post wash count. The IUI was done at one of our RE's satellite offices - maybe it doesn't have the capabilities? Maybe they don't want to waste any of the good stuff to count it? Who knows. I was wondering if next time we shouldn't do it at the main office b/c as it is we have no proof the medicine has improved anything? She guessed the count at 5 - 10 million - but in my nervous state I did not ask if that was pre wash, per ml, post wash or what - I assume she knows what she was doing though and said that the sample had its issues but she wasn't scared to throw those numbers out there. Its out of my hands - and when she was done she said that we had all done our part and that it was up to God now. I appreciated her saying that b/c that couldn't be more true.

We are going to the beach so hopefully any resulting embryo will implant while I'm relaxed and eating too much on vacation!!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Spiritual Comfort

Psalm 118:19-29
19 Open for me the gates where the righteous enter, and I will go in and thank the Lord.
20 These gates lead to the presence of the Lord, and the godly enter there.
21 I thank you for answering my prayer and giving me victory!
22 The stone that the builders rejected has now become the cornerstone. 23 This is the Lord’s doing, and it is wonderful to see. 24 This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. 25 Please, Lord, please save us. Please, Lord, please give us success. 26 Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord. We bless you from the house of the Lord. 27 The Lord is God, shining upon us. Take the sacrifice and bind it with cords on the altar. 28 You are my God, and I will praise you! You are my God, and I will exalt you!
29 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.

What a spiritual comfort level this gives me.

IUI #1 is set for tomorrow - we'll know the count before we do it. I pray that God's will be done but he knows the desires of my heart and I would love this to work and have a healthy child 9 months from now. I have to leave it up to Him and not worry about the outcome. When we do have a child none of this will have mattered - God has a child picked out for us and we want that specific child and only HE knows when that child will be born. I have to remember this and believe it with all my heart. I must remain calm and hopeful b/c God says to put our hope in him and he will renew our strength and we will soar on wings like eagles.

Monday, May 19, 2008

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Click HERE!

Are you a child of the 80's?

This is totally dorky but I couldn't resist!

You Are 60% A Child of the 80s
Back in the day, you were totally 80s.
Tubular, totally tubular.

I only hope our children will be doing quizes like these 30 years from now about the 2010s? That sounds weird!

No new infertility news here - will go tomorrow for my first ultrasound for our first IUI. I'm slightly nervous and really not optimistic as I have said before.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

CD 3 Blood Work and David and Goliath

So on Monday morning I had my CD 3 blood work and got the results back at 1:45 that afternoon - that is a speedy turnaround if you ask me! Anyway - on my patient voicemail they said it was normal but in doing my Google MD research I've decided its a little too close to normal for my overacheiver personality. FSH was 11.4 and normal is under 12.5. I won't worry too much until they tell me to worry.

I read todays "One Year Bible" online and it was about David and Goliath and I'm sure that most infertiles can turn anything to relate to infertility and this is what I have done. Its not much of a stretch. Infertility is Goliath and we are little ole David and with God's help we can conquer it - unfortunately what scares me the most is ending up without a child - even if that is God's plan and he removes my desire to be a mother - it scares me. I want a baby so bad it hurts.

I spent the day with my best friend and her 8 month old and his cousin who is 4 months old and it was so much fun. It hurt so bad but it was so much fun. I kind of hoped that listening to a day of screaming would ease my pain and make me say - "Its OK b/c I'm not ready yet." That was NOT the case. I rocked one of them to sleep and it was the most precious thing in the world.

In this time of such uncertainty in life I just need to continue to be thankful for what I do have - wonderful friends, a great husband, a great job with flexibility to be off for IVF in need be as many times as I need to be (as long as its not Feb - April 15th), the advanced technology to be able to try IVF if need be as well as the financial ability to try - at least one shared risk group -without borrowing money or begging from parents.

I want to not be sad but part of me thinks the emotions that I feel feed my desire for a child and if they sadness goes away so will my desire for a child.

As my husband said last night we wish we could say we want a baby and we would get one and not have to go through all of this. I want a baby not IVF. And I know I am totally discounting the attempt at an IUI but until we know whether the meds have made an impact I'm purposefully discounting its effectiveness b/c I can't get my hopes up just to have them dashed. It could be that in the next weeks we'll be told that the medicine didn't work and there is no point wasting our time with another IUI and we'll be on the next train to IVF town! At that point I think I'll be excited b/c its a chance - a lot higher chance than we've been given so far.

I'm just rambling now so I'll go back to work.

Friday, May 9, 2008

18 children - you have got to be kidding me!

Ok I'm sure that I won't be the only infertile in the blogosphere to mention this today! And I do realize that it was on the Today Show and it's supposed to be a great thing that the crazy woman is pregnant with her 18th child but you can't tell me that she can have any sort of relationship with her children if there are that many of them and at some point isn't she tempting fate. I realize that they are a religious family and leave the procreating up to God but it isn't really fair to the 18 children. I know I'm a jealous infertile and all I want is one healthy baby and my opinion doesn't count in the least BUT . . . I wanted to get that off my chest. Thank you.

No infertility news to comment on at the moment. We did our "mother's day dinner" with my MIL last night and she was sweet to tell me that she would be thinking of me on Sunday and the dummy that I am asked her what Sunday was! It was a very sweet moment but to be honest I wouldn't have expected anyone to feel anything for me on Sunday b/c I'm not a mother. I guess she understands more than I give her credit for b/c she has been somewhat in our shoes. She waited for 2 years to get pregnant with her son/my husband so she feels our pain. I'm guessing they didn't have as much knowledge on the subject back then b/c she was just given a pill - probably Clomid - and told to go for it. It eventually worked but I don't think they did any tests or anything but that was over 30 years ago. The first IVF baby wasnt even born yet - I'm so thankful that that part of science has come so far.

I'm still uber pessimistic about the whole IUI thing - I mean I really can't even picture in my head the thought of being pregnant anymore. I know that in some way that is saying that I don't think God can do this which is wrong - I do believe that if God wants to he can definitely give us a child. God wants us to hope so I guess I should let go of my selfishness and quit feeling sorry for myself and HOPE for the future. I must not have enough to do at work now b/c I'm thinking about it way too much. Tax season was easier b/c I was so busy I didn't have time to worry - I was content in just waiting. I'm still thankful that we have the opportunity that some don't have to be able to try IUI or evenutally IVF.

I'll end my long rant and just be thankful for who I am and what I have and what God will provide in his time and know that is all I can count on. And part of me is thankful because I will probably never have 18 children - can you even imagine?? I will take what I get but if its this hard to get one - I'm guessing I won't have eighteentuplets!!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I know I said I was a bad blogger but I think that was an understatement . . .

Well it has been over a month since I last posted. But again . . . not much has happened. Tax season ended and my life began again! I had my HSG the Monday after tax day and it was a piece of cake. I feel bad for the people who post their horror stories online about that test and I'm sure they are actually true but if you have either a GYN or a RE doing the test I really don't think it should hurt bad. I mean of course it is uncomfortable but is anything really comfortable when you have your vajayja in the air for all to see? I had to wait for 2 hours for the doctor - Dr. L not my regular Dr. H - to finish with an emergency procedure in the office - which happens to be right next door to the hospital. I'm not sure but most things involved in treating infertility are not emergency in nature and if they are like an ectopic pregnancy or something like that wouldn't that be handled in a hopsital? Anyway . . . my cynical nature of doctors stems from growing up with an RN for a mother and therefore I was questioning whether he was on the golf course! I didn't really care when he was finished though b/c it didn't hurt and it wasn't even that scary and he was really nice so if I had to wait 2 hours for nice and not scary . . . so be it! Not to mention I felt extremely blessed after sitting in the waiting room with a girl close to my age who had breast cancer and was getting a PET scan so I was feeling pretty lucky that my hardest trial to date was infertility.

I guess our next step is IUI #1 - I'm not optimistic b/c I have no idea whether this medicine has worked for DH. I won't know until the day of the IUI so it all seems like a frustrating step to get to IVF but I'll do what I have to do. I should start on Sunday or Monday and have Day 3 bloodwork on Tuesday or Wednesday and then start on day 8 with my OPK sticks. I'm not so much looking forward to the cooter cam checking out the follicles but I'm sure its just one of the minor inconveniences yet to come.

I'm sure this is a common feeling among most infertiles but do you ever feel like you can't plan anything EVER? I mean my life is in total limbo and there really isn't anything you can do about it and I'm not complaining per se its just an overall feeling of helplessness.

I'll try to post more often this month!