Monday, December 29, 2008

Beta 2 and 3

Beta 2 - 15 dp5dt 749
Beta 3 - 21dp5dt 6,863

My progesterone went from 57 the first beta to 97 the second and back down to 64 by the 3rd. Apparently it varies and that is OK. I had a panic attack b/c my breasts stopped hurting as bad as they were last week but now I know why! Any one searching for that like I did incessantly over the last three days should try not to worry. Since that is all I've done for 3 days don't take my word for it but my doctor and nurses all said that it happens and that they answer that question at least once a week! My estrogen started off at 216 and then went to 501 and its now at 620. This morning was our first ultrasound and we have one little bean in there! I'm sad for the other embryo that didn't make it but twins is quite overwhelming!! I'm just praying that I will be thankful for the miracle God has given me - I feel so guilty for worrying but I just love this baby so much and I can't imagine losing it and that fear overtakes me. I'm going to work on that over the next week! Next Monday is the ultrasound that should see the heartbeat. I will be six weeks by then.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Will I ever be satisfied!!

So I've been having some cramping and everyone that has been through an IVF pregnancy assured me its normal well now it stopped and I'm equally as worried. It really is impossible to please me. Found this sweet prayer and wanted to share it

Prayer for a Safe Pregnancy
This life you have given us is so tiny, fragile, and vulnerable, safe in the womb of flesh and hope, yet subject to danger and death. O God of love, Creator of life, hear our prayer.We want this baby so much. Please grant this child of ours a full term of nurture, the joy and mystery of life, and the blessing of Your love. Grant us the fulfillment of our dreams, a baby to cherish and protect, a child to teach and guide, a blessing to our family. Amen.

My second beta is Tuesday and I'm nervous but I get to meet Robin that day as well so hopefully she'll keep me sane until I get the call! Say prayers for appropriately doubling numbers!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Positive!

Beta was 86.7 - I am pregnant. God is the God of miracles and we are praising Him for that!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Going insane

How can anyone get through this waiting without turning into a crazy woman?? Not to mention the progesterone that I'm pumping into my body. Seriously this could be torture but at the same time I feel guilty for not enjoying it - this is the first time EVER that I could actually be pregnant and I'm totally giving up. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst instead of enjoying the present. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow for today has enough troubles of its own but I'm already planning our next steps. Its really just sick and I'm ashamed but I can't stop myself. A friend at church told me that I am just inviting satan to a party in my head. I've asked him to leave but he keeps coming back. I cried all through a baby dedication in church on Sunday - embarrassingly crying. I want to find symptoms even though I know anything I feel is all progesterone related and its driving me crazy. I cramped off and on pretty bad on Friday and then just slightly on Saturday and Sunday morning and then it stopped. Is that good or bad?? No one knows but God . . . why can't I just quit obsessing and leave the outcome up to Him. I know He already knows and whatever His answer is is right. I want what He wants but at the same time I want Him to want me to be pregnant. He hasn't given any one of us any promises of a child. He promised Abraham a child not me so I can't even go on that. I will only get pregnant if its in His plan. How can my brain know all of this and my heart just can't seem to listen. I'm still obsessively "spot checking" every time I go to the bathroom and I'm so bloated and my coworker even told me my boobs look bigger - again - all progesterone? Maybe? Who knows . . . GOD DOES! I NEED TO GIVE IT UP TO HIM! Ya'll help me pray to give this over to the Creator of Life. I'm so exhausted. Beta is on Wednesday. I can make it and life will go on if its negative.

1 John 3:19-21 (New International Version)
19This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence 20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Friday, December 12, 2008

4dp5dt

Cramping - surely this is too early for period cramps - could it be the embitwins moving around in there trying to find a home? Surely not? I seriously wish someone would sedate me! Pray the babies are growing sticky feet!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Woo Hoo

Two blastocysts transferred - Praise God!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Transfer tomorrow if we don't fall in that 1%

According to the embryologist we have a good quality morula - they don't grade morulas - and a 12-14 cell embryo trying to become a morula. She is hopeful that the better performing one will be a blastocyst by tomorrow. She said - even knowing our history, that we had a 99% chance of a transfer tomorrow b/c even if it doesn't become a blastocyst, as long as it hasn't arrested, they will transfer a good quality morula. I pray that the morula becomes a blastocyst and the 12-14 cell becomes a morula and we have two to transfer. Keep praying. I am so thankful that God has gotten us this far. He has those two babies in His hands. Our embryologist has been talking to them for us! I am so happy with my doctor's office. Now please Lord let us make it to transfer tomorrow.